JOKES

 

 

A foursome of men waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of ladies were hitting from the ladies' tee.
 
The ladies were taking their time. 
 
When the final lady was ready to hit her ball, she hacked it 10 feet.
 
Then she went over and missed it completely.
 
Then she hacked it another ten feet and finally hacked it another five feet.
 
She looked up at the patiently waiting men and said apologetically 
 
"I guess all those f--king lessons I took over the winter didn't help."
 
One of the men immediately responded, 
 
"Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead!"
 
He never even had a chance to duck. He was only 43......

 

Playing Golf Left or Right - or a bit later

A group of guys lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf until one transferred to  another city... It wasn't the same without him.

A new woman joined their Club. She overheard the guys talking about their golf  round. She said, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I  was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?"

The three guys looked at each other. Not one of them  wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it  would be okay, but they would be starting early - at 6:30 a.m.

He figured the early tee-time would discourage her. The woman said this may be a problem, and asked if she could be up to 15  minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said okay. She smiled and said "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and beat all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was fun and a pleasant person, the guys were impressed. so they congratulated her and  invited her back the next week. She smiled, and said, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she played  left-handed. The three guys were incredulous as she still beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They were totally  amazed.

They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant  and didn't seem to be purposely showing them up. They invited her back again,  but each man harbored a burning desire to beat her...

The third week, the guys had their game faces on. But  this time, she was 15 minutes late, which made the guys irritable. This week  the lady played right-handed, and narrowly beat all three of them.

The men mused that her late arrival was due to petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she was so gracious and so  complimentary of their strong play, they couldn't hold a grudge. 
Back in  the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their heads. This woman was a  riddle no one could figure out. They had a couple of beers, and finally, one of the men asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?" 

The lady blushed, and grinned. "That's easy," she said.  "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I like to  switch back and forth. When I got married after college, I discovered my  husband always sleeps in the nude.

From then on, I developed a silly habit... Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him.

If his Ol’ Fella (penis) was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed."

The guys on the team thought this was hysterical.  Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointing straight up?"

She said, "Then, I’m fifteen minutes late."

 

The Empty Seat

A man had two of the best tickets for the Augusta Masters. As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No", he says, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this, the biggest golfing event of the whole world, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Masters we haven't been together since we got married."

"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else?.. A friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head......."No. They're all at the funeral."

 

Speeding Fine (not)

A senior citizen bought a brand new BMW Z4 convertible and drove it out of the
salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 120mph; enjoying the wind
blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M4, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more.. 

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 140mph, then 150 then 160. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this
nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to
catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old man, looked very seriously at the policeman and replied, "Years ago my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir", said the policeman. 

 

 

Phone Abuse

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. 

MAN: 'Hello' 

WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me.. Are you at the club?' 

MAN: 'Yes' 

WOMAN: 'I am at the shopping mall and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?' 

MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.' 

WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2011 Models. I saw one I really liked.' 

MAN: 'How much?' 

WOMAN: '£72,000' 

MAN: 'OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.' 

WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £950,000' 

MAN: 'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of £900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if it's really a pretty good price.' 

WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!' 

MAN: 'Bye! I love you too.' 

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape. The wonderful husband turns and asks: 

 "Anybody know who's phone this is?"

 

Is It An Emergency ?

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack.

 "Help me dear," she groans to her husband.

 The husband calls 999 on his cell phone, talks for minute, Picks up his putter and lines up his putt. His wife raises Her head off the green and stares at him.

 "I'm dying here and you're putting?"

 "Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "They Found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you.

 "Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.

 "No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."

 
Numbered Holes
 A reporter told Phil Mickelson, "You are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?"

 Mickelson replied, "The holes are numbered."


Does Praying Work
 A young man and a priest are playing together. It's a short Par-3.

 The priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole, my son?"

 The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?"

 The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."

 The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

 The young man says, "I don't know about you, father, but in my church, when we pray, we keep our heads down."
 
 
Murder
 Police were called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man.  The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"

 "Yes" says the woman.

 "Did you hit him with that golf club?"

 "Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face.

 "How many times did you hit him?"

 "I don't know -- five, six, maybe seven times.....just put me down for a five."

 
How to get to Heaven
A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found it and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.

 As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, "Are you a good golfer?"

 The man replied, "Got here in two, didn't I?"

 
Golf & Weddings
The bride was escorted down the aisle. When she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side. She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here?"

He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"

Life Long Ambition

A golfer, now in his golden years, had a life long ambition to play the 17th hole at TPC Sawgrass in Ponte Verde - exactly the way the pros do. The pro's drive the ball out over the water onto the small green that is on a small spit of land. It was something the golfer had tried hundreds of times without success. His ball had always fallen short, into the water. Because of this, he never used a new ball on this particular hole. He always picked out one that had a cut or a nick, as did many other "average" golfers when negotiating very challenging holes.

 

Recently he went to Sawgrassto try again. When he came to the fateful hole, he teed up an old, cut ball as usual, and said a silent prayer.However, before he could hit the ball, a powerful voice from above seemed to be booming out from the clouds, saying "Wait, replace that old ball with a brand new one."

 

The golfer complied, with some slight misgivings, despite the fact that this same force seemed to be implying that he was going to finally achieve his life long ambition.

As he stepped up to the tee once more, the voice came down again.

"Wait, step back, take a practice swing"

So he steeped back and took a pracice swing, certain that this heavenly force was going to make his dream come true.

The voice boomed out again "Take another practice swing."

Dutifully he did. He stopped expectantly and waited...

A long silence followed ....

The the voice boomed out again:

"Use the old ball."

 

It Pays to be Old.

Thomas, a 70 year old, extremely wealthy widower shows up ay the country club with an absolutely gorgeous breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year old brunette. She hangs on to his arm and listens intently to his every word.

His usual playing partners and fellow members of the club are baffled and shocked. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask "Thomas, how did you get that amazing trophy girlfriend?"

To which he replies, "Girlfriend?, hell she's not my girlfriend, she's my wife."

Disbelieving Thomas, they ask "How did you persuade her to marry you?"

"I lied about my age" he replies.

"What, did you tell her you were only 50?"

Thomas smiles and says, "No, I told her i was 90".

 

 

Golfing at 90

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it," he says to his wife, "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad, once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went".

His wife sympathizes. As they sit down she says "Why don't you take your my brother with you, and give it one more try?".

"That's no good" sighs Arthur, "Your brother is a hundred and three. He can't help".

"He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to his brother-in-law, "Did you see the ball?".

"Of course i did," says the brother-in-law, "I have perfect eyesight."

"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.

"I don't remember."

 

 

THE PARROT IS DEAD
At dawn the telephone rings, 'Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto,  the  caretaker at your country house.'
'Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?'
'Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead'
'My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?'
'Si, Senor, that's the one.'
'Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he  die from?'
'From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.'

'Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?'
'Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse. '

'Dead horse? What dead horse?'
'The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.'
'My prize thoroughbred is dead?'
'Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.'

'Are you insane?? What water cart?'
'The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.'
'Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man??'
'The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.'

'What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle??!!'
'Yes, Senor Rod.'
'But there's electricity at the house!! What was the candle for?'
'For the funeral, Senor Rod.'

'WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!'
'Your wife's, Senor Rod', she showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Taylor  Made Super Quad 460 golf club.'

SILENCE........... LONG SILENCE..........
 
 'Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!!'

 

 

Golfing Ailments

 

The Golfing Nun

Tiger Woods

A couple were on their honeymoon, lying in bed, ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, 'I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin.'
The husband replies, 'That's no big thing in this day and age.'
The wife continues, 'Yeah, I've been with one guy.'
'Oh yeah? Who was the guy?'
'Tiger Woods.'
'Tiger Woods the golfer?'
'Yeah.'
'Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him.'
The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
'What are you doing?' asks his wife.
The husband says, 'I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get some food.'
'Tiger wouldn't do that!' she claims.
'Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?'
'He'd come back to bed and do it a second time.'
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
'What are you doing?' she asks.
The husband says, 'I'm still hungry so I was going to call room service to get some food.'
'Tiger wouldn't do that,' again she claims.
'Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?'
'He'd come back to bed and do it a third time.'
The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife a third time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, 'Are you calling room service?'

'No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this damn hole!' 

Golfer at  Dentist
A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The  man said to the dentist,'Doc, I'm in one hell of a hurry I have two  buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth  and be done  with it. We have a 10:00 A M tee time at the best golf course in town  and it's 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to  work!'

The dentist thought to himself, 'My goodness, this is surely  a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to  kill the pain.'  So the dentist asks him, 'Which tooth is it  sir?

The man turned to his wife and said,'Open your mouth Honey, and  show him.'

 

Underneath the Golfers

'The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £50.  Go and buy yourself some underwear."

'Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers.  Why not?" She replies, "'I can't afford any on the money you give me" 'Patrick reaches into his pocket and says , "For the sake of decency,here's £20, go and buy yourself some underwear!" 

'Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head

to reveal that she, too, is naked under it . "Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie!, Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?"  She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.

'The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says "Well, fer the love of decency woman, here's a comb - .... Tidy yerself up a bit!!!"

Golf or What

Four married guys go golfing. During the 4th hole the following conversation took place:

First Guy: 'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.'
Second Guy: 'That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.'
Third Guy: 'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.'
They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him, 'You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?'
Fourth guy: 'I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it went off, I gave the wife a slap on the ass and said: 'Golf course or intercourse?'  She said: 'Wear sun-block.'

Japanese Golf Terms

A Low Handicapper Golfer (who shall remain incognito to protect their boss) (or anybody else you know who flies the world) is on a business trip in Japan and hires a hooker. The whole night, this Japanese hooker keeps screaming: "Hoshimota! Hoshimota!" He can't quite remember what the word means, but he's sure he's pleased the hooker to best of his ability. The next morning, he goes to play a game of golf with his Japanese business partner when he makes a hole-in-one. Everyone is congratulating him in Japanese and he can't think anything to say but "HOSHIMOTA!" Concerned, his partner turns to him "What do you mean it's in the wrong hole? 

Dear Deirdre

I have never written to you b4 but I really need ur advice.I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating. The usual signs;phone rings if I answer the caller hangs up,going out with the girls a lot & when I ask the names its "u don't know them "I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usally fall asleep. Anyway last night I decided to finally check on her. Around midnight I hid in the garage by my golf clubs so to get a good view of the whole street when she came home from her night out with the girls. When she got out of the car she was buttoning her blouse which was open and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment crouched behind my golf clubs I noticed it. A hairline crack where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my 3 wood. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the shop.

 

Golf Is Good For You

This chap comes across a scruffy bloke near a golf course who asks him for a few pounds to buy food.  He gets out his wallet and gives him 5 pounds and asks him "If I give you this money, will you buy beer instead of food?"

"No, I've given up on drink," says the man.

"Would you rather go to the football than eat?"

"No, I don't fritter away my time on football."

"Would you rather play golf with the money?"

"I gave up golf 18 years ago."

"Do you want the money for "horizontal pastimes?" (the original German)

"No, I don't want to get any nasty complaints"

"OK, I'll not give you money, instead I'll take you home where my wife will cook you a full meal."

"But your wife will be appalled - I am filthy and, besides, I smell"  

"Ah well, you see, it's important for my wife to see what happens to a man when he gives up Beer, Football, Golf and Sex."

 

Car Related Golf

Last week we were playing this hole and one of the other guys hit a humongous hook that hit a car's windshield. Not wanting to get in trouble we quickly finished the round. Coming up 18 we see a cop at the green. When we get there he asks, "Did any of you guys hit a hook on Number X". The culprit admits it.
The cop then says, "Well your ball went through the windshield causing the 80 year old driver to have a heart attack and die."
The culprit then asks the cop, "Well what should I do."
The Cop replies, "Well I would try opening my stance a little!"

Wet Suit Golf

A guy's boat capsizes and he swims ashore to a desert island. On the beach lies a beautiful woman, her ample bust falling out of a tight wetsuit. She tells him she'll grant him any wish he'd like. "I'd kill for a cigarette,'' he says. She zips down the top of the wetsuit a little, reaches into her bosom and fishes out a smoke. He enjoys. "Anything else?" she says. "A cold beer," he says. She zips the top down a little further, reaches in and comes up with a beer. He's relaxing with his beer and his smoke when she says to him, "Would you like to play around?" He looks at her excitedly and blurts out, "You got a set of clubs in there, too?"

Clean Shoes

A guy is having an affair with his secretary. They take the afternoon off and head to a local motel. As evening approaches, she asks him how he will explain his late arrival to his wife. He thinks for a moment and then asks the secretary to take his shoes outside and scruff them up a bit in the grass. When she returns the shoes are covered with green stains and a blades of grass.
The guy gets home and his wife says: "You're late. Where have you been?"
He replies: "You know that beautiful new secretary I hired? I'm having an affair with her. We spent the afternoon together at a motel."
She looks him over suspiciously, from head to toe. Her eyes lock in on his feet as she stares at the shoes.
"Don't lie to me. " she says. "It's obvious you've been at the golf course all day."